I used to think that I could pinpoint when my depression began but after closer analysis of past events in my childhood I believe that I have suffered from mild bouts of depression since adolescence.
It was not until I finished university, 24 years old, that major depression hit me. I have an introverted personality and chronic low self esteem and finishing university was a great achievement for me (which at the time I didn't realise and at times try to repress due to my low self esteem and trauma). My choices in my early adulthood were never really my own choices but those of others and I went with the flow completing courses at university that weren't really my interest. Upon completing university I found my first job in the area I studied. I don't know if it was a mixture of not having adequate social and life skills, being too anxious and expecting too much of myself, being bullied at work, or simply lacking interest in that profession, but I couldn't cope and soon quit. Being an only child I felt like an absolute failure to myself and my parents and everyone around me.
I had a major depressive episode which made me suicidal then. I haven't been able to cope normally since. Jumping from job to job, not caring about my jobs, calling in sick often, neglecting my responsibilities but putting on a smile for others. This is a huge change for me as I have always had a strong work ethic. My self confidence has been so shattered that I tend to put myself down often and tend to find jobs which are unfulfilling and well below my supposed cv capabilities. Since my first major depressive episode(I'm 29 now)I have suffered numerous depressive episodes and mostly on my own as I don't want to burden my parents or anybody else with my problems. I don't have any other family here - my parents and I migrated here when I was 11 years old.
I often think I don't have any problems compared to others more less fortunate than me so I am ashamed of feeling this way.
I constantly compare myself to others who are more successful and appear to have it all together and this makes me feel worse. I am in the middle of a major depressive episode again but now I just keep it to myself as my partner doesn't understand. I've been to doctors and therapists but like other writers have indicated on your forum, these options are a huge financial burden with no helpful results.
I have become numb, empty, careless, and inactive, teary and scared. My memory is deteriorating, I can't focus and I just don't care anymore.
I feel I have missed on some of the best years of my life and don't know when this will end. I have had happy moments but these appear to be consumed by the negative moments and thoughts, and so for most of my time I feel I have nothing to look forward to. I feel I am on auto pilot - just going through the motions - my body is there but my mind is not. I compare it to another self - a self I do not recognise who has replaced the otherwise happy going me that I used to be a long time ago.
Apologies this post is so long but you have no idea the sense of relief I feel sharing this with others as I have always kept these feelings to myself.
I believe my biggest problem is not loving me - failures setbacks and all and hoping that doing what others want for me will make me whole.
I hope all of those who are suffering from depression realise that they are not alone and that there is hope. I hope your online e course will at least enable me to feel emotions again and take a small step to find my old happy self. It is comforting to know that I am not alone.
ANSWER:
Thanks for taking the time to share with us. You are right in saying "I believe my biggest problem is not loving me - failures setbacks and all and hoping that doing what others want for me will make me whole". I think you've hit the nail on the head.
Now, the key is to recognize where those messages came from - emotional abuse from parents and friends? But, don't beat those people up. Instead, you may need to replace those messages with messages from positive people who will invest in your life. For example, I have found this to be the case with my church family. Thanks for signing up for the e-course, I hope you will diligently apply it all and find the hope you seek!!
There is hope! You are worth it!
Merri Ellen