My last few weeks of hell
I've never gotten anxiety and depression this badly before, but the last couple weeks I had a major attack with lingering depression and insomnia. Just days and days of unrest with my body and mind. I tried just going by supplements and my mom is an avid believer in holistic medicine and spiritual connections. However I don't see quite eye-to-eye with her or spiritual belief but I do want to get through this without medication I can get addicted to(I depend on them for all my finances in College so she would probably say no to antidepressants anyways). I have a healthy relationship, I'm athletic and I do not feel insecure about my looks or esteem so I wonder WHY THE DEPRESSION/ANXIETY?!
Here is a list of my worries in order of causes me the most anxiety and possibly led to my attack. It is important to note that since my first attack a few weeks ago I didn't get that feeling of exhaustion or relief that comes after, I felt thoughts of suicide and grief for days along side my insomnia.
1. Getting pregnant, although I do take birth control and its been efficient for years I just recently started to worry about this. It escalated into something terrible that makes it often difficult to my partner.
2. Graduation, after this summer semester I have ONE class left and then I get my degree and possibly be employed. However that is not for certain, just like how I might have to take myself away from my good relationship for a job. Same goes for my boyfriend. There are so many uncertanties here.
3. Need to get a job next semester, my mother is pressuring me since I only have one class. I might have one from the news station I interned at but that is not certain either. My parents are not doing so well with there jobs to put me through college like they expected.
4. Neglecting friendships and being alone, aside from my wonderful boyfriend. I neglected a few relationships with others since I felt like some people didn't really meet my standards or eventually pissed me off. Even sometimes I'll leave my poor boyfriend at a friends house and stay on the internet to do various things an hour after he texted me that he's hungry and needs to be picked up. ( he's got his own car but we switch around and make single car trips to save gas). I truly care for people, but I also fear the hurt that might come from a betrayal of that care, regardless of the person.
So I suppose I do have a bit on my plate but I've never reacted to terribly.I can't quite pinpoint why or when I'll have another attack since but I'd like to know if there are others that solved there sudden anxiety and depression with only the will power alone and how do you feel now?
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