Still the Same

Depression has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I had depressed parents and I see depression in my brothers and sisters. I have read some about depression and I don't know how much of it is physical and how much of it is self induced. All I know is when I am at a real low point, I don't want to think, talk or relate to anyone about anything. I usually find myself doing things that I can do with out giving it a lot of thought like play games. Most of the time, it helps. It stops me from thinking seriously about anything until the mood passes. Then I am okay for a while only for it to return again.

I am now retired but looking back, I think while I was still working, I performed like a robot with out thinking about anything on a personal level. Some times it was the only way I could make it through the week. My moto was "Don't think; Just do. I know I did this because if I stopped to listen to what was around me, I would take everything to heart and just make myself feel worse. I became an expert at hiding my moods. People around me viewed me as strong but I know it was hiding my own weaknesses that made me appear that way. One day, I got up and knew I couldn't do it anymore. I just snapped. Now, I do little or nothing.

So many times, I have wished that I could stop being the way I am. I feel like my bad moods keep me from being a loving human being so much of the times. I feel forced to withdraw because I can't handle stress anymore. I know it all began with depression. I was a depressed kid. I am now a depressed older woman. I can't take prescription antidepressants. So I deal the best I can. At the same time, I know that depression is controlling my life now as it always has. I am now trying to read more about it by people who are depressed or have suffered with it and possibly have beaten it. That is why I am here.