by Audrey
(Jamaica)
Hello,
I am 53, and I live in the Caribbean. I have been married twice, once when I was 18 to get away from my "mother" actually I am an adopted child and my life will be very difficult to explain. I am what is called a mulatto, which means I am half white and half black. (beautiful combination...) but my adoptive parents were white, well white and hispanic. I was never told I was adopted and found out by having my real mother suddenly appear at 16 y.o. and declare thats who she was, but I was greatly loved by my father but hideously verbally abused by my "mother" don't know my biological just know who he is, thats why I left at 18 to get married and far away from her. That was a giant screw-up.
F/F Married again at 25, a wonderful, supportive, christian husband. Life is wonderful, blessed with 3 absolutely beautiful children, youngest is now 18 oldest 22. After 10 years, he cheats on me, I almost commit suicide..but I recover, life goes on.... after 17 years, I now find out he was having an emotional adultery affair, addicted to porn, and going to church regularly. I am a solid christian woman, trying to do the right thing but find out that he has been emotionally cheating on me throughout our relationship. I freak, want to leave but constrained by scripture and my babies.
I lose my job, my anger explodes, I write and that helped a little, I was put on Xanax because I could not sleep. Never seen a psychiatrist treated by a G.P. I do not love my husband, he does everything, penitent, and completely faithful now but I am totally incapable of loving him, I do everything as a wife, but I am not emotionally connected to him. Now on Wellbutrin but no effect yet,
I am sure I need therapy but where I live, we don't really do that.... been to pastors and such but I live with my fears, my anxieties, and those pesky memories.
Thanks for reading and if you do respond, that you too.
ANSWER:
Thank you Audrey for reaching out and sharing. My heart breaks for you. I would like to direct you to where you may find encouragement through online mentoring and find hope in marriage stories...
http://www.thoughts-about-god.com/kids/#marriage
"The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken. He saves those whose spirits have been crushed." - Psalm 34:18
There is hope! You are worth it!
Merri Ellen :)