Allergies and depression, being poor.

by James
(Jefferson City, TN. U.S.)

I have been out of work for two years, after giving up my CDL license because I could not stay alert when driving. Well, No-body wants to hire me, this story kind of twists about a bit...I have been suffering from allergies (When I was young I used to get a bunch of shots, everyday for awhile, then eventually they stopped) as far back as I remember, and also depression, I was not diagnosed with depression, not until many years later. Because of the depression, I also have low self esteem, which in turn has led to feelings of failure so intense I have developed a fear of trying at all. My family says they did not give up on me, but in effects it is the same, I know I am loved, that does help, but my feeling of doing what is right makes me feel even worse, I cannot contribute anything anymore, it is not fun. I am homeless now, I do have a roof over my head but only because of others kindness, I am not on the lease, and I spend my whole day trying to find work, I have allergies that give me runny nose, which further complicates things, my head feel like a balloon most of the time, and I cannot afford medical treatment, I have little choice over foods, I have to eat what is given to me. I am stuck in a loop that I really believe is escapable. I keep trying even against odds that seem to great to overcome, much of the time I just feel dumb, lazy, but I get up and keep trying even though all the jobs I apply for never call me back, I assume it is because I give the impression of being nervous, because I am, it is not the way I think I am, but that is what I portray. Even this statement here is really difficult for me to finish, or stay on topic. It is so frustrating. I have tried drugs, (pot, speed, cocaine anti-depressants, fortunately I never got addicted to anything), but they just made matters worse, so I went clean, and still the same problems, well, without drug side effects. Benadryl works but leaves me dopy. Lets see, I am really trying to make a statement here but am having a lot of difficulty focusing. My eyes burn slightly, my head feels like a balloon. I do still believe there is hope, I am capable, but my body hurts all over, I have the want to keep busy, but it is a struggle that wears me out, just trying to do simple things wheres me out. Doing anything like composing, or making music, practicing, or riding a bike, going to a gym, all these are things I one to do, I am very active, inside, but the effort of doing ANYTHING is so difficult, as I get older the harder this is becoming. I am trying to isolate foods, but I know that I am allergic to both mold and house dust, ragweed, etc. I am still searching for a solution, so that is why I post. I do know that when I am not suffering from allergies I am capable, full of energy and very positive. Even now, I stay as upbeat as I can, but it is not entirely in my control, as far as I know, I do not know about so much that it is probable that I have either overlooked or do not know about treatments of strategies that will work. Thanks for this site, it is very informative. Feel free to edit this post! I know I ramble.