by Jakob
(Woodstock, Ontario, Canada)
I have had a horrible last few years. I have thought about commuting suicide over 20 times in the past year. I can't get to sleep until I force myself to at around midnight. I have made unsucsessful plans of running away from home. The only reason I haven't tried to kill myself is because of the few true friends I'd be leaving and possibly giving depression putting them through what Im going through. I keep all my thoughts as far away from my parents and family as possible. People spread rumours about me almost every time they see me do something, and I mean anything even just rubbing my head or scratching an itch on the back of my neck. The only people I could tell this directly to would spread my suicide thoughts and deprisson which would make me hated by everyone even more. Half of my fake friends think it's funny to punch me or push me over because I don't do much phisical activity at all. I have taken multiple deprission tests for teens and most of them say I have moderate depression if not worse. Even though I get mostly B's on my report card with some A's, Im finding it harder and harder to pay attention to what's going on. My future is a big black dark hole full of nothing and I feel like there is nothing I can do to change it. I am constanly sad and angry and often feeling lost or left behind and left out. My only friends at school are teachers which makes me the class geek/nerd/class pet who everyone hates and picks on. I don't know what to do about it though because I am too scared and nervous to tell any adult. I am 15 lbs underweight and hate myself and feel like I should be punished for being so sad all the time. My life is a waste of gods time which I don't even know if I belive In that stuff. I've lied to every person I know. The only way I feel pleasures is when I hack stuff like my computer or my iPod and I don't even know why. Please save me, anyone.
ANSWER:
Hi Jakob,
Thanks for your request for help. I sense that your emotional tank is completely empty- perhaps due to dysfunctional parenting which is not your fault.
Please chat with a counselor online ASAP. They can help. This page has a list of resources to connect with someone online.
There is hope! You are worth it! And yes, God is real and He loves you. You are welcome to learn more here.
Merri Ellen :)