20 Year Cloud over my head that won't go away
(Philadelphia, PA )
I am 63 years old and have not felt near normal for 20+ years. I've tried many anti-depressants. Some take the edge off a little, but none have really made me feel significantly better. I feel sorry for my wife having to live with my constant moodiness. Any friends that I had in the past I did nothing to help sustain them, so they went away. I have a wonderful wife of 34 years, 4 grown kids and first grandchild on the way. I have everything to be happy for, but I'm not. When I was young I was extremely shy. I have social anxiety today. I had an alcoholic father who was abusive to my Mom when he drank. They ended up getting a divorce right after I graduated from High School. Everything takes extra-effort for me to do. At work I do the minimal, and don't really associate with any colleagues. As far as my "past" goes, I really don't think that's part of my problem. I've really gotten over that a long time ago. I think my problem is really a chemical imbalance, of which I haven't been able to find the right combination of Meds to make me feel significantly better. I'm weening-off of my current anti-depressant because I get extremely angry, aggitated when coming off of it! I also take medication to "Focus" (Yes, I believe I have ADD as well). Also, I've made financial mistakes over the years as a result of my compulsiveness, trying to give the kids the best, etc. I have a lot of College Loan debt as a result. The kids, thankfully, are taking on some of that debt. Nevertheless, I'm way behind on our Retirement Plans, so I'm working two jobs currently and don't see being able to retire until I'm approx. 70 - 72. I know I've digressed too much in this note. Basically, my family needs me more than ever, and I just want the ability to put my best foot forward ! I've been seeing a specialist for the past 8 or so years, and again I have tried various depression-social anxiety and ADD Meds with him, but we have not hit on the right combo. There's been some improvement, but not what I was hoping for. I feel like it's time to try someone else !