24 years of nothing
Hello, i am on Suicidal Crisis, and i never told anyone about it before. The fact is i don`t realize my way to depression until last three months. While when i look back, maybe i was begin to stressed-out since a year back, weird isn`t?
While on this couple months i thinking about how i am going to kill myself. But, the good thing about still live with my religious parent is you`ll know suicide is very bad things on religion, that makes me go straight to hell. Good, i still scare to it.
I am 24 years and my activity is (still) as Magisterial students students and as software programmer (with no job). Beside that, there is nothing to proud about me. My experience is not more than 14 years boy. That`s the real concern.
My youth is very horrible, bullying (from my only brother and schoolmate), my parents is both spoiled and ignorant, whos both are hardworkers that always-out-to-work. In term of material thing they always provide me, but teach nothing. Young me hardly socialize, and literally dont have a friend until 10th grade.
Highschool me made little of friends (less than 10 of them, but better than past phase). Then i made more on collage, i even had a girlfriend on collage. But i still considered my self anti-social, its not as i didn`t like people, i just didn`t feel comfortable around them. I was very introvert. Even to my gf, sometimes i feel i didnt care enough to her (at points i not call her a week, etc). Still, collage was best time for me.
After graduated from collage with average mark, winter 2009. I continued to magisterial program, while doing the part-time job as programmer. I hardly considered to be an independent person, i had teached nothing when i were younger, maybe i got degree, but i am lack in every life skill. I had bad discipline, always miss the deadline, not agile, bad angry management, little of experience, lack of creativity, bad manner, and hard to communicate. I lost my job on summer 2011. I tried to propose a work as a teacher once after that lost, but with my lack communication-for-teach, what you expect, i failed on the test. Then i thought to "focus" on my magisterial degree.
My relationship with my collage gf was not well either, after graduate we did a long distance relationship, she got work on capital city. Than last September she told me that there is someone else and they are already dating for 2 months without me notice, then we broke up. I know she found the better person than me, who care more about her, so its-again my fault.
Now, to became worst. I so close to drop-out from my magisterial student, my master thesis is a mess its already run 18 months and result nothing. The funny is, when my teacher say about the drop-out thing, last week, i didn`t do anything about it. I already feel dont deserve it.
So here i am, without life skill, no job, little friend (i lost of touch to almost all my friend after graduate), no bestfriend nor girlfriend, don`t know where i head. Pitying myself, i became a game-addict (i never became addict at gaming even when i got first nintendo). But i feel little better and -what important is- i forget the suicidal thing, when i play and achieve something on it, so pathetic. I spend last three month spending life like lunatic, alone in my room, self-destruction, i`ve given up.
I really hope some help from this, sorry about my language if its not clear, bad grammar, dixi, etc. I am not good at telling my feeling, moreover english is not mother-tongue, and Its not common people tell about bad thing (like most asian culture) here (moreover to the family), and going to psychiatric (as if i can even afford that) is had negative connotative, the image is as bad as going to 19th century asylum.
Really thanks for any help.