One girl tells her depression story...

"Depression, that was an illness I did not want to hear about, let alone admit that I had. Me, I don't suffer from depression. I am young, a Christian, I come from a good family, I have good friends, I do not have depression. Looking back now it is evident that it has been a part of my life for a long time. I can trace the actions of depression back to about junior high and I am now 25 years old, so for at last 15 plus years I have struggled with depression. It was not until the past few years that I have come to terms and admitted that depression is something that I have struggled with and still struggle with today.

As I glance through my journals I see many words that I have repeatedly felt through my depression - lonely, scared, drained, hurting, overwhelmed, anxious, heavy-hearted. "I feel depression grasping hold of my life again and I hate that feeling. I feel out of control. I don't know what to do." – March 2004. Depression is something that I hid for such a long time. You learn to get good at it – putting on that happy face for everyone you see. Then you get home, in a comfortable place, and you crash. I would sleep for hours and would hide away in my room. It was exhausting to put on an act all day – to fake someone you are not. I was hurting, but who knew that? Well the people who knew me best knew it, my close family and friends. A few of them confronted me a few times, but it was not until I saw that I could not live my life in a state of depression forever that I reached out for help. I had to crash hard numerous times before I finally acknowledged that I had depression and needed to do something about it.

So a year and half ago I went to my doctor for help. She put me on an antidepressant, something I was so against before. What changed my mind about using a drug to control my depression? I guess I lived with depression for so long and tried to do it on my own strength but realized that I could not do it. The depression had a tight hold of my life and I could not do anything in my power to overcome that hold. I went on the antidepressant for a year and am currently off of it. Things are going good. There are still days when I feel that depression sneaking up on me and those days will always be there. But I feel I can see the signs sooner and now know the steps I need to take so it does not grasp a hold of my life the way it used to. There is a likelihood that I will need to go back on antidepressants again, but for now I will continue to life my life and not let it control me and how I live again."

I feel the depression

I feel it grasping… yanking

a hold of my life again.

I want to let it go,

but don't know how.

It encompasses me.

It controls my body –

my head, my heart, my soul.

Sadness, despair, loneliness,

they haunt me.

I have no control.

I cry out in this darkness.

Where are you God?

Don't you hear my cries?

Then softly and gently

He places his arms around me

and says, "I am here, my child.

I am here."

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