Basically, humanity sucks

1. Think of the top 3 people you see most often during the week. Are they positive people or pessimistic people? Do they give you a glimpse of hope and joy or do they squash it all?

I see my roommate, my boyfriend, and my best friend the most. They are all positive people, who manage to make me laugh, but the laughing is only temporary. Usually I don't want to go see my boyfriend, even though I see him as being about a hundred times better than me in every way, and when i'm with him I love almost every minute, but I struggle to go and see him. It's like I have a rubber band of safety or security that ties me to my dorm room, and if I leave there for too long, I get worried and start to feel alone. I actually don't feel worried at all, I stop feeling.

2. Where do you want to see yourself after being depression free? What do you want to be doing with your life?

I don't see myself doing much, just smiling and laughing. I already smile and laugh, but I just want to not fall apart almost every time I'm alone. I don't want to have to hide my depression from my roommate, or my friend, or my boyfriend.

3. As you think about your depression, what do you think it may be teaching you about yourself?

I've learned that I am a selfish person, I want things that I refuse to give to other people, such as love, intimacy, or even something simple, like study help. My depression has shown me the ugliness that is inside me, and that crawls around in me daily.

4. What or who makes you angry?

Ignorant people make me angry. People who judge or threaten others make me angry, even though I do the same. When I see people doing this to other people some deep set maternal instinct kicks in and no matter how I feel about the person being hurt, I always take their side and try to protect them. Most people are rarely this way, so I rarely feel anger.

5. What or who makes you sad?

Death, wasted time, and lost things make me sad. The idea of missing something that could have impacted my life makes me want to curl into a ball and disappear. People being hurt makes me sad, either emotionally or physically. It makes me lose my faith in the goodness in humanity, and slowly I begin to notice how we are all self centered, egotistical maniacs hell bent on destroying one another.

6. What or who brings you joy?

Bad jokes, other people laughing, good books, creativity, all make me smile and laugh. I wish there was more of that in the world, I want enough of it to surround me. I want to go to sleep with a smile on my face and a light heart, still laughing at that one bad joke, instead of trying to hide my tears.

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