Change, decisions, then exhaustion.
Sept till now, I just realized I couldn't remember who won the nomination for president. Was that this past fall? I don't know where the days have gone since my separation of 17 years, before Sept, I was employed living in a different state and devoted my attention to my husband and my mother.
I had no friends, so now I am going through a divorce which lends the fact I had no other support system in place. My two children are the only two people who cares and wants to talk to me. I hate being an emotional burden on them. What do they really think about me moving back where they are and staying inside this apartment laying on the bed most days.
I have to get a job and support myself. I worked all my life and now I can't even fathom getting a job again. I had a career and I was helping people, it is a service dealing with mostly elderly.
I cry, I can't quit writing my soon to be ex. My mother tried to scare or kill me on Christmas. She tried to run the car into a bridge when I was with her in the passenger seat over something I said. I am 58, my mother had me when she was 14.
Been trying to see a therapist on the insurance, no one excepts patients, but I have left numbers and have a few more to call. I called yesterday, but today I haven't done anything. Nothing. I look at my computer, I try to sleep, tears roll down my face. I am scared of myself becoming homeless.
I found a divorce support group I may try to go to if I can drag myself out of this bed. It is Thursday night, it makes me nauseous thinking about it. I will put it out of my head tonight. This means Thursday may come and go and I won't think of it again until next week or maybe never.
The physical pain of heartbreak is crushing. I wonder why I left my husband, but I can sometimes remember the pain I felt when I was married. Was I consumed by keeping these two relationships (husband and mother) together? Now that everything I had worked so hard on, they are gone and I am left with nothing. It feels so terrible, I wish I could get cancer and leave this world. I will not do anything to harm myself, I have done research on that one in November and realize I don't want to put that in anyone's life to live through. I don't want anyone else feeling like this. It is too overwhelming.
I write this because of course I am lonely, scared, and I feel nothing but despair. My life looked different before Sept. I wish I could cut these months from my life, and be back to where I was but it can't happen.
I often think because my mother being in my life so forcefully, and me trying to fix things for her, if I were to be with my husband again, I may be a better wife. I found out he was not as devoted to our relationship as I was by not telling me about an emotional affair he was having with someone at work for about 4 months. People can recover from emotional affairs and I don't think he has the desire to rekindle the relationship. I have severed it severely. Maybe I only want to go back because of the depression.
Depression is terrible, but the aches and pains of a broken heart along with the depression feels like I can't get any lower, then it happens, I sink lower and lower until I believe I have gone crazy. No one I ever worked with would expect to see me in this condition. Just because I was strong and had vitality, does this mean I could be that way again? I don't think I can ever have that again.