Do you regain strength by listening to other peoples burdens? Then please read my story. I wrote it for like-minded.

by Adam

I would like to ease my pain somewhat, but I do not expect anyone to respond to this. However, I often think it helps to read about other peoples problems in life and maybe some of you feel the same. Therefore, I want to write you a text about my struggles.

I have been in a never ending depression spiral since I left college 7 years ago, but have never really allowed myself to deal with it. I have always found activities to do, met friends or wasted time with computer games (which IMO is the best way to forget about life, a good tip for those who need it). Because every time I am by myself for a while, I get really low and frustrated by life.

Or I am rather frustrated by the fact that I feel what I feel, despite having what most people would see as a good life. A loving family, lots of friends, a somewhat stable economy (for being a university student...), good study results and skillful at general. I had a pretty good childhood in a country with good safety nets, as a white male. Despite all this, I still feel like shit. I usually do not complain about anything, since I feel like I miss that privilege. I really should not feel this sad! I have far better preconditions than most people in this world.

But I have battled this for a long time. It is not a pressing issue. What have made me reach my (what earlier seemed infinite) limit and forced me to rethink life and my total absent of "emotional communication", is the heart break I always fled from which found me last summer. But everyone has been through that, it is a part of life and I will not bother you with my love story. Though, it did make me aware of how I neglect my own well being and how I keep searching for mental and physical challenges, just to make me feel anything.

Especially now after five years of engineering studies, I feel like a hallow shell. I have lost my love for playing music, nor do not go outdoors anymore (Oh what I love the outdoors!). I should be happy that my life is just about to bloom after the university, but I feel like a dirty blood sucking parasite! I want to help people, make my greatest effort to ease other peoples life. I want to make a difference. Instead I am becoming a mechanical/electrical engineer, helping companies earn more money and keep throwing products onto the market.

I really want to go back to the military, to give myself as an asset for my country's defense in order to stand up for democracy and equality. But I can not pay of my study loans on that salary. I could go back to being a substitute teacher, or even re-scholar myself as a teacher. However, the same problem occurs here since teachers are also underpaid in my country. Same with the police force.

Whatever the reasons, what I truly know is that I feel worse than I ever thought possible. Not a day goes by without me longing for death. No, do not worry! Suicide is not an option. Suicide is the cowards way out. I am born out of stubborn blood, by a fiery redhead of a mother and a tirelessly hard working father. I am a man of honor and principles, I can not repay my parents hard work raising me with chickening out on a rope. Even if they were gone, I could not throw my life away like that. I do not give up, ever. Whatever happens, you put one foot in front of the other. That is what life is all about. Keep moving, keep surviving until the next day. At least my last two years have been all about that...

Still, I dream every night before falling asleep about scenarios where I could give me life to save a stranger. It is a way out without disrespecting my parents or breaking my principles. Life is really not worth living. Life really sucks monkeys balls!

Anyway, I can not seem to find a way out of my misery without help and I do not want to bother my friends with my problems. My family has enough as it is (I am not the only child, but apparently the strongest...). So I keep fighting my demons alone. But at least now I am trying to softening up the wall that surrounds my heart. I might have a long way to go still, but I feel strength in the small steps I make. Last week, I was able to shed a single tear when watching a emotional movie scene! (Baby steps, baby steps!)

Thank you for reading this far. If you feel the same about any of this, want to talk or want to give your life story; feel free to do so! I would love help you out, if you need to ease your burden.

Best regards (and lots of hugs!)

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Jan 14, 2018
To Adam
by: Lee

Hello Adam
You sound pretty amazing to me. Smart and strong, and looking for self worth. I can relate so well to how you feel. Its so difficult to understand our unhappiness when we have so many blessings. The way you want to sacrifice yourself to help others and to give meaning and honor to your existence. I too felt exactly the same way. I felt I must be on this earth to help people. I just didn't understand how worthless I felt. I thought I have to be a good person and help others to prove my goodness and self-worth. Those are honorable intentions and definitely a decent way to behave. I will tell you something that I have learned after years of depression and just not wanting to live anymore. This might be difficult to comprehend because it sounds so simplistic. You are enough. You are perfect just the way you are because this is how God made you. Why do I say this? I say this because I never felt that I was good enough possibly because of the way it was drilled in my head by my teachers and parents. They say such things to motivate you to do your very best in life. They don't intend it to make you feel worthless. Yet that was how I felt. It took decades of self talk and self help to finally understand where my depression came from. It came from feeling like I wasn't good enough no matter how hard I worked, how much I achieved or how many people I sacrificed to help. You don't have to be anything or do anything to be loved by God. Just be yourself and of course live the best life you can, help others when you can. but....if you did nothing, you are still special and worthy of this life. Start small and just take time to breathe and appreciate yourself. Use your inner voice to approve of yourself. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others. Do you know what I mean? Listen to your inner talking voice. Do your berate yourself and give yourself shit all the time? I did. Its unnecessary. You don't have to continue to tell yourself off because you're not doing things perfectly or being the saint you think you should be. When you use your inner thinking voice to talk to yourself with love and respect, you will slowly begin to think differently about yourself. This process is just a beginning. It may take a decade like it did with me to finally realize you are perfectly ok. Then the self loathing will ease up and you may be able to suddenly start seeing how you really are not a bad person. You never were but somehow you internalized that nagging voice that belonged to your teacher or your father. You use your conscience to beat yourself up to be so perfect....that you actually make yourself miserable. So miserable that you wish you could die. I am unsure if you will get what I am saying. But tomorrow when you wake up, Say to yourself, "Hey Adam! Get up my good man. Its going to be an awesome day. I love you man, just the way you are"...."You're a great guy and this life is amazing. Lets go have some fun" Repeat this or what ever you would love a good friend to say to you to start your day. Say to yourself through out the day what you would say to a kid that needs a lift. It might sound a little crazy but be a good caring friend to yourself and do it every minute of everyday. This might sound silly but over time.....just see what happens. Adam you are wonderful! I hope I have helped a little bit. I still have my bad days, but I have a good friend inside my head that tries to lift my spirits. I'm thankful to be alive. My real name is Leona and I'm more than ok right now. Good Luck Adam and God Bless

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