I would like to ease my pain somewhat, but I do not expect anyone to respond to this. However, I often think it helps to read about other peoples problems in life and maybe some of you feel the same. Therefore, I want to write you a text about my struggles.
I have been in a never ending depression spiral since I left college 7 years ago, but have never really allowed myself to deal with it. I have always found activities to do, met friends or wasted time with computer games (which IMO is the best way to forget about life, a good tip for those who need it). Because every time I am by myself for a while, I get really low and frustrated by life.
Or I am rather frustrated by the fact that I feel what I feel, despite having what most people would see as a good life. A loving family, lots of friends, a somewhat stable economy (for being a university student...), good study results and skillful at general. I had a pretty good childhood in a country with good safety nets, as a white male. Despite all this, I still feel like shit. I usually do not complain about anything, since I feel like I miss that privilege. I really should not feel this sad! I have far better preconditions than most people in this world.
But I have battled this for a long time. It is not a pressing issue. What have made me reach my (what earlier seemed infinite) limit and forced me to rethink life and my total absent of "emotional communication", is the heart break I always fled from which found me last summer. But everyone has been through that, it is a part of life and I will not bother you with my love story. Though, it did make me aware of how I neglect my own well being and how I keep searching for mental and physical challenges, just to make me feel anything.
Especially now after five years of engineering studies, I feel like a hallow shell. I have lost my love for playing music, nor do not go outdoors anymore (Oh what I love the outdoors!). I should be happy that my life is just about to bloom after the university, but I feel like a dirty blood sucking parasite! I want to help people, make my greatest effort to ease other peoples life. I want to make a difference. Instead I am becoming a mechanical/electrical engineer, helping companies earn more money and keep throwing products onto the market.
I really want to go back to the military, to give myself as an asset for my country's defense in order to stand up for democracy and equality. But I can not pay of my study loans on that salary. I could go back to being a substitute teacher, or even re-scholar myself as a teacher. However, the same problem occurs here since teachers are also underpaid in my country. Same with the police force.
Whatever the reasons, what I truly know is that I feel worse than I ever thought possible. Not a day goes by without me longing for death. No, do not worry! Suicide is not an option. Suicide is the cowards way out. I am born out of stubborn blood, by a fiery redhead of a mother and a tirelessly hard working father. I am a man of honor and principles, I can not repay my parents hard work raising me with chickening out on a rope. Even if they were gone, I could not throw my life away like that. I do not give up, ever. Whatever happens, you put one foot in front of the other. That is what life is all about. Keep moving, keep surviving until the next day. At least my last two years have been all about that...
Still, I dream every night before falling asleep about scenarios where I could give me life to save a stranger. It is a way out without disrespecting my parents or breaking my principles. Life is really not worth living. Life really sucks monkeys balls!
Anyway, I can not seem to find a way out of my misery without help and I do not want to bother my friends with my problems. My family has enough as it is (I am not the only child, but apparently the strongest...). So I keep fighting my demons alone. But at least now I am trying to softening up the wall that surrounds my heart. I might have a long way to go still, but I feel strength in the small steps I make. Last week, I was able to shed a single tear when watching a emotional movie scene! (Baby steps, baby steps!)
Thank you for reading this far. If you feel the same about any of this, want to talk or want to give your life story; feel free to do so! I would love help you out, if you need to ease your burden.
Best regards (and lots of hugs!)
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