help? i think i need it ..

by B.C.

1. Think of the top 3 people you see most often during the week. Are they positive people or pessimistic people? Do they give you a glimpse of hope and joy or do they squash it all?

Well I see my friends just about every morning. They are all pretty bright girls I'm the downer mostly but I try my best to pep up a bit. Sometimes the act gets old and I cant help but show how I truly feel, and that will carry with me throughout the school day, I don't listen in class because the "sadness" distracts me and I get drowsy. I usually go to the clinic and take a nap for 2 periods just to get away from everybody. other days I just drown everyone out with my music so I don't have to hear anybody. The school that I currently go to stresses me out but because of where I live I cant transfer to the school id like to go to. I try my best just to deal with my school and everyone In it but I don't know how much more I can take. when I wake up in the morning I want cry because I don't want to go. it shouldn't be like that.

2. Where do you want to see yourself after being depression free? What do you want to be doing with your life?

Depression free, I would love to see my self passing my classes and doing what teachers say and learning the material I need to know for finals. id love to be able to laugh with my friends and get out more. I spend so much time in my room. without depression I think id be able to focus on my art work better. I think that I could have a happier imagination and id be able to think clearer instead of that sad blur. I want to be able to achieve my goals instead of putting my self down about them. I want to be able to get up in the morning. and I want to be able to sleep at night. id like a timely sleeping schedule.

3. As you think about your depression, what do you think it may be teaching you about yourself?

I think its teaching me that I truly haven't been that happy person and that I'm not like the other kids at my school. I'm not being smart. and I'm not going anywhere because I don't push myself. I cant push myself. I'm frustrated with who I am.

4. What or who makes you angry?

what makes me angry is when people like my doctor and my mom don't realize that when I'm on my Adhd and add medication I don't feel happy I'm not myself. I don't feel lose or able to goof a bit like other students. what makes me mad is when they up my dosage because I'm not working. I am not working simply because I don't feel like it. simply because I am frustrated and stressed out about everything, not because I cant focus.

5. What or who makes you sad?

who makes me sad. well the number one person in my life. his name is james. james and I had a connection when I first met him. you could say it was love at first sight. I didn't know his name. or anything, but I knew I had to meet him one way or another. well one day he showed up at the park by my house with my ex bf at the time and he introduced himself. he said his name was james. I knew from that moment on I was different. a lot happier I had a smile on my face that I hadn't worn in years. james and I started talking on facebook after I found his account on my ex bfs timeline. I added him and he messaged me, we talked more and more and I found out that he loves everything I do. we had so much in common it was like looking in a mirror. we got closer and he soon found out that I was pretty good at art and like most people who realize someone can draw that ask for a picture. he sent me a photo of his eye and asked me to draw it, it was a beautiful eye is as sea green with specks of blue and brown flooding from the middle. It became my favorite picture, I drew it just perfectly and handed it to him the next day and he looked at it and smiled. he asked me to sit down next to him so I did he then began telling me how wonderful it is and how much he loves it. that moment made my life. but yeah. james and I began to see each other more often and one day he asked me out. my life was changed forever. he was all I could ever ask for. he meant so much to me. we dated for 3 months. until things started to get bad. james got sad. he didn't go to lunch anymore. he sat in the nurse and slept. I felt horrible. I thought I had done something wrong. but I know I didn't I never fight. especially with him. one day I went to hug him and he pushed me away and said that hed catch me later. he never did. catch me later. james broke up with me. for no reason he didn't tell me why. and on January 9th 2012. he left. james moved 2598.2 miles away from me. james and I still talk. but I miss him dearly he came to see me over the summer for a month and that little bit of happiness was enough to hold me high, he then went back to California. and I was heart broken all over again, I know sit here in wait of his return. that will be in 2 months. its been 1 year and 7 months since hes been gone and the thought of him makes me sad.

6. What or who brings you joy?

the things that bring me joy are simple. art. james. and making other people smile. I don't know why but, seeing others smile, just makes me smile. just to know the are okay.

Comments for help? i think i need it ..

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Jun 17, 2015
Good post
by: Micah Hauck

What a great blog you have! I really love your awesome site. Thank you very much!

Feb 04, 2014
Response to "help? i think i need it.."
by: Leona

You are different, articulate and creative, your story was very well written, you are an artist. Your depression seems to be because of not being with James. Being in love does wonderful things for us. We equate love with achieving all that we could ever ask for, meeting someone who "connects" with us and accepts us as we are. The mistake I made as a young girl was thinking " wow, I've met the man of my dreams and now my life will be wonderful". Its the Cinderella story where our prince rescues us and provides everything we will ever need. Its a hard fall back to reality when they don't. Let me tell you a secret. Believe it or don't. THE PERSON WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR EVERY NEED IS YOU!!! Women wait for Mr Wonderful to "fill our cup". We are devastated when we are not "good" enough for someone to love us like our mother's do. Its not that you are not perfect as you are...its that you expect someone else to know all your needs and to meet them. Its that we women expect the man of our dreams to do all for us. The secret is....only you know what it is you need to be happy. The secret is...YOU ARE THE PERSON YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR TO MEET ALL YOUR NEEDS. Once we sit down and think about what it is we want from life and set up a plan for ourselves to get it, then we begin to live our lives to the fullest. Then if you meet a man who is able to take care of himself and share the special moments of love with you..its a bonus...not the answer to all your life's prayers. Deep Depression can result from a girl feeling worthless because there is no prince charming rescuing her from the hardship of life. No man to buy you everything you could ever dream of. Once you realize that you are strong enough to get everything you could ever dream of for yourself, or to realize you don't want to work yourself to death to have all the perks of a high cost life, you will stop relying on the Cinderella story to come true for you. To Beat well, drink lots of water, get a little sunshine everyday, exercise or dance, walk or just move, and ensure you get enough sleep. All these simple simple things will help you function at your best. Our minds are better able to cope with the horrible feeling of depression when we give our bodies some tender loving care. We must take care of ourselves. We are big girls. We are strong enough to take care of ourselves. Don't buy into the Cinderella story. YOU ARE THE ANSWER TO YOUR DEPRESSION, YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON TO TAKE CARE OF YOU, JUST DO IT. Begin today. I'm a depression surviver....My name is Leona.

Jan 27, 2014
Response to "help? i think i need it..
by: Pam - Oklahoma

One thing you should be proud of is your writing. I connected to your words so expressive of your feelings.

My hope for you is your doctor and parents will listen to you. This web site helped me through a hedious depression. I followed the steps faithfully. I can't say I am cured, but anything that could get me out of bed is a good thing, right?

My suggestion would be to copy the free program here and give it to you parents and your doctor. Even better if you are able to pay for the complete download.

I am not in school, almost retirement age, but I can relate to your challenges. When communicating to others, I just try to be myself and sometimes I am not upbeat. I have learned this is when I have my most meaningful conversations. Fortunately, my profession lends me the opportunity to help people. This is the only time I don't feel depressed. I believe it is because it is the only time I focus my energy on someone other than myself.

Your sharing you story lifted me because it reminds me we are not alone. Your classmates you spoke about are not like you, and for that I would be grateful. Egos are way overrated if you ask me.

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