I Want A Happy Family
Firstly, here's a lil' background of me then how I come to be what I think, depressed. My mother is divorced since I was 18 yrs old & she single-handedly supported me & my younger bro who is 3 yrs younger than I am. My father is an irresponsible man who doesn't care about us so my parents divorced then when my mother found out he had an affair. When I was 18 & I realized the real deal about my life & my family, I think it broke my heart. Even before my parents divorced, we were not very well off so my parents had to work, so I always came back to an empty home. Once, I felt so lonely at dinner that to feel better, I had to peep at my neighbours who were having a warm family dinner together, then I went back to my dinner table to eat alone. I understood the hardship that my mother had to go through. My heart really goes to her fate & I also love her very much. I was very angry at my father for doing this but now I try to pretend that I have amputate him from my life coz he is only nice to me when he needed help. He was never there for me when I needed him. Then when my parents got divorced, my father also forced us to sell the house. Obviously he needed the money for his own selfish needs. My mother was at loss then. Looking at the mess we were in, I don't know how, but at 18 years old, I got the courage to defend my mother & younger bro. I went to the housing board to appeal for a place for us to live. I met housing agents to look for a deal for my mother who is also illiterate as she did not receive education when young. From where I come frm, it takes 24 months to get a rented place from the govt coz we couldn't afford pte rental. But with my persistency & stubborness to the housing board authorities, we finally got a rented place within 6 months so that my father can sell their matrimonial house for his own needs. Although the rented house was small with only one bedroom, we were somewhat happier. But I think then, my bro was angry at me as he had to leave his friends from the old estate & live in a smaller flat, plus he had to sleep in the living room coz me & my mother are girls and we sleep in the one & only bedroom. To cut the story short, I know that whatever that I have sacrifice is nothing compared to what my mother had gone thru. I merely helped because they are my family & I love them. I thought that although my father did this to us, I want to forget about him, then my mother, brother & me can still live happily ever after as a family. I worked as hard as I can after finishing school to buy bits of furniture for our home, & I wanted my mother & brother to be as comfortable as possible. Someday I dreamt that we have a proper home with each of us our own rooms & comfortable living conditions and money is not a problem anymore. I wanted a happy family & I want to build it with whoever who is on my ship with me then. But all this dream shattered when I got married. Somehow God was kind enough to make me meet a nice man.But my mother & bro changed. From where I came from, sometimes, a boy is more valuable than a girl. I had been treated differently before when young between my bro but when older I brushed it off as I thought those were just childish things. I never took it to heart even when I got beaten by my mother sometimes because I did not give in to my bro or when she always sided my bro at many occasions when we were young. I had forgotten about it when I got older. But last year, I think I finally realized where I stand in my family. My husband & I got a new house that I can also bring along my family to stay. I was very happy then because finally we can have a proper house with each person per room. And I am extremely happy that I will be able to finally provide a better living condition for my mother. I wanted this so much with the little resources that I got. My husband was willing to live with my family as well. But after what I did for them, little but it was my own hard effort, I realized that my brother had no respect for me. I knew this when I asked him to help out my husband & me to paint the new house. I told him if he was busy or tired, he can just paint his own room. But he said," I don't want to do it, I will not do it & I want you to do it yourself!" He also do not want to move in with me but wanted to live in the rented house himself. He told me & my mother to move ourselves.Because of this, my mother felt divided & decided to side again, the boy in the family. When my bro said those awful words to me, my mother was present but she did not say a word to defend me, even after I highlighted it to her. She let my bro be rude to me, the older sister, like always. And therefore my mother also do not want to move because she couldn't bear to leave my brother living alone.So since then I felt really angry at my mother for not defending me when my bro was rude to me. I feel that that episode was too much. I suddenly felt the disparity. I felt invisible & that they don't love me like I love them. I suddenly realized where I stand & I have become depressed about it everytime I thought about it because I love them so much & I am willing to fight for them for anything but they did not care about me at all. Ever since that happen, my husband & I moved ourselves & sometime I felt lonely in the big house myself like it was when I was young. Again my family has deserted me when I need them the most.My mother & bro continued living in that rented place & they never update me of their lives which I expected although we are living apart. Sometimes I called my mother but my mother never called me, she is not the kind who likes to use the phone. I was so disappointed with my bro & mom that I did not visit them for some months. I feel they don't need me anymore, now that my bro earn a living himself. Does it hurt for them to just say sorry or pick up the phone to call me. It still hurts. I often have irritable mood swings, sometimes I cry with no rhyme or reason, sometime I have low self esteem, I can't focus on my career, I sometimes have episodes of sadness. It somehow affected my marriage bcoz I was often grouchy & every single thing can make me irritable.For the pass years, my husband and I are trying for a baby but I think I'm too stressed & depressed often.I want to forget & I want to be happy, most of all I want a happy family. But I can't seem to get this out of my system. I hope I don't spiral down to further depression.