lifes a climb but still struggling (story of childhood abuse)

by Donna

Hi guys

you dont know me but in a way i feel like i know you all with all the problems you have suffered in your life i can relate too also.

My name is Donna and i am finally going through the process of getting the professional help that i need, in a way its took a long time for me to admit that i have more than depression yes i know it started off as depression but was never diagnosed until i was 22 after i ha my first baby but it was classed as postnatal rather than severe.

I will briefly tell you a bit about my life, i am the youngest of 4 with 2 other sisters and a brother, we were normal kids well so i thought at the time being kids getting up to mischief and driving our parents nuts as kids do but we also adhered to rules as our parents were strict that didnt like noise or even cared where we played or who we were with during the day.

I guess that when the abuse started, because my mother and father worked every day to support us in which i will always be grateful for as times were hard in the 80's. As we never got spoiled or taken nice places other than the once a year holiday at a caravan in the summer so when I lived in my street i found fun by going to my neighbours who was a childrens entertainer which was always busy with other kids from the street because it was the summer holidays from school, he used to have BBQ'S and blow up the bouncy castle and things like that, anyway after all the times going into his home and garden i got use to going there and thinking i was there cause he enjoyed the children playing but back then pedophiles and perverts were not as prone as what they are nowadays so to cut a long story short i went to play in the garden one day which he invited me in in which i just thought it was just going to be just another fun day well under statement of the century.
That was the day my innocence was taken away from me forever he invite me into his home and locked all the doors and put a porno video on and made me sit there while he played with himself, at the age of 9 i had never experienced or witnessed anything like that not even on TV as my father was strict about obscene things coming on TV and made us leave the sitting room, i asked him what he was doing and he told me i could help him get better he then he came towards me holding his man hood in his hands trying to force it into my mouth, i told him no as i know it was wrong and said my dad does not do things like this and its not right, he then grabbed me and forced himself on top of me, but i had never felt so happy to the hearing of a loud chap at his front door, with his hands over my mouh and still tugging at my under wear i managed to let out an almighty scream in which the chapping on the door got louder, he pulled himself off from me buttoning up his jeans saying if i said anythig to anyone my mum and dad would put me into a home and would put my mum and dad in jail and this was the secret i had lived with this secret up until i was 20 when i first fell pregnant with my baby boy when the insecurities of a mothers perception of worrying if someone ever put my child through the same ordeal, eventually after 5 years my pervet of a neigbour moved out of my street and i never clapped eyes on him again

My depression got worse during my pregnancy as i found out the father and my fiance had been cheating on me when i was only six months pregnant obviously he denied it of course but i put my hurt on hold for the sake of my handsome baby, the relationship lasted until my son was a year and half as could not trust him and all we did was constantly fight and argue which was no good for my baby. So plucked up the courage and finally left as could not take anymore physical abuse, when i finally swore i would never go with anyone else when my son was 3 i met someone else and fell pregnant with twin girls which i would not change for one minute my kids are the only diamonds that stop me from doing anything more stupid ut relationship with twins dads still up and down due to having no trust for the opposite sex.

i am in the early stages of being assessed for bipolar disorder due to my moods being high and low and noticed the amount of people writing blogs as maybe a theraputic way of speaking to an outsider that may or have been in the same boat as myself,i am going to blog off for just now but will catch up with you all to fill in the other gaps in my life that have resulted to my mental state, i hope you dont find my blog to bad i have never did this but will keep you posted after my next counselling session.

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