by Carol

1. Think of the top 3 people you see most often during the week. Are they positive people or pessimistic people? Do they give you a glimpse of hope and joy or do they squash it all?

I mostly only see my husband. Although he's a positive person and he tries his best, he lacks the tools to help me and I lack the tools to teach him.

2. Where do you want to see yourself after being depression free? What do you want to be doing with your life?

Before this illness robbed me of my very happy life, I had the marriage of my dreams, I had my own dance school and I had a very busy social life. Now I've lost all that. Plus because of the meds I am taking, we no longer have a sex life. My husband and I are planning our retirement and we want to live in an rv full time living 6 months in Canada & 6 in the USA. I just want to be as normal as I can possibly be. It took me a long time to find my prince and I just want to have the best time possible with him as I can.

3. As you think about your depression, what do you think it may be teaching you about yourself?

I have always been a can do kind of person. Patience has not always been my strong suit. I have always been able to control situations either because fear or insecurity and I actually thought that I could some how control this illness, but to my surprise, I see that it has been controlling me. It took me 4 years to understand that.

4. What or who makes you angry?

Injustice. That I can't seem to lick this thing. When I can't make myself understood. When I try to get out of this haze I'm in and no matter what I try (and I try) I just can't seem to do it. I am constantly disappointed and my doctor just keeps filling more prescriptions. Yes that really makes me angry.

5. What or who makes you sad?

Learning that people who you thought were your friends, avoid you like the plague when you get sick. Being alone all the time. I feel like I am watching the world through a window and I can't seem to join in. That I hurt my husband even though I don't mean to. That makes me really sad.

6. What or who brings you joy?

My grandkids. My husband. When I am hopeful. Working on our retirement plan.

**I've been home almost 5 years now and no matter what I try to get this disease on the right path, it never works. Just lately I had another episode and I'm so tired of this.

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