My journey to Hell (my struggle with Major Depression)
(San Diego, Ca)
My journey to Hell (My struggle with Major Depression)
“Dante passes through the gate of Hell, which bears an inscription ending with the famous phrase “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate”,most frequently translated as “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.”
The above is only a short description of my state of mind for half of the year 2016. I was hopeless. Writing about Clinical Depression, a misunderstood and often misinterpreted illness is not easy. No words can describe the anguish, pain, misery and lifeless state of my soul.I was hopeless and waiting to die.
“Dante and Virgil leave Limbo and enter the Second Circle – the first of the circles of Incontinence – where the punishments of Hell proper begin. It is described as “a part where no thing gleams.”
There was this feeling of gloom, despair and doomed perspective on my future. Initially, I went to ER with unexplained pains in my chest that looked similar to panic attacks and headaches. I had numerous needles stuck in my arm, many visits to emergency room, CAT scan, MRI, trying to find the origin of such pains. I also had insomnia, profound sweating and unexplainable body pains. I couldn’t read a single paragraph, talk, or even drive. I was disabled. Meanwhile all the tests came out to be negative. The medical community didn't know what was wrong. The problem was that doctor's don't tell you what is wrong, but what's not wrong with you. After about 2 months of suffering I was diagnosed with Major or Severe Depression.
After 6 months of battling it, there are few insights I wanted to share with everybody:
Depression is not sadness or feeling down. Depression is a terrible disease and sadness is only one component of many symptoms of the depression
Depression is very insidious and it will slowly rob you of your soul, thoughts and mind. It will mask itself as being you. In the end its goal is to kill you.
Just remember, don’t listen to yourself when you are depressed , because this is the Devil or Depression talking. There is not Self or you anymore.
Sadly, when you realize that you have depression, it may be too late. This is true for mens, it is hard for us to know and accept that we are suffering from anxiety/depression.
Antidepressants do not work right away. It took about 3 months to start working for me. Initially, you will feel worse than you been, to the point when you will question the diagnosis. When I mean worse, that is miserable. They will only help you so much, but you have to do the rest of work.
You will get pieces of your inner self little by little, like a complicated puzzle. You will only feel good when all the pieces are in place, no sooner. It will take time, something that you think you don't have.