Everything was fine up until the end of last year. I had a good bunch of friends who I trusted with my life, a pretty good relationship with my parents, a job which I enjoy most times and always done OK in school.
Something at that point changed though. I found I became more angry at my parents and starting to feel I was losing myself. At this point I had became sick of it all. I ran off, while only 16. I was found the next day by police after my car (registered in parents names), which I had taken off in unlicensed, was reported stolen so I was left roaming streets and planned to leave again after dark (was 600km away at this point).
During these two days while being scared of being caught, I was having the time of my life being. I enjoyed the freedom of doing what I wanted. And for some reason,even sitting in the police station waiting to be picked up by my parents I was happy. Until they arrived. At that point my happiness instantly disappeared.
Upon returning home we talked about what had been going on and why I had reacted like that. The only response I had was "I don't know", which frustrated us all.
One good thing had came from this however. It was after this experience that I have decided to become a police officer when I leave school. My parents feel I am not suited to it because whenever I am around them I appear to be very quiet and unable to speak to them or anyone else.
I returned to school the next day and my mother had phoned the deputy principal and told him what had happened. He found me early in the day, spoke to me for over an hour before arranging for me to see the school counsellor.
Both the deputy and the counsellor had said that what I had done was not usual behaviour for me and that it was a cry for help. At this point I was trying to move on from what I had done but I was unable to forget about it.
I seen the counsellor quite regularly from then on, even for small issues. It was not until I had another big fight with my parents earlier this year that I had moved to my Nan's house for a week. I had been unable to find the counsellor, so instead the deputy had referred me on to my year adviser who basically said to talk to my parents and try to sort it out.
I had returned home after this and have been there since, still with the ups and downs. I find myself waiting for the time for the good times to come to an end for the bad ones to finally ease off. So even when things are fine, I still have a sense of dread making me unable to be happy during these times.
While things are not only bad at home, my group of friends ard started to disintegrate. They were constantly fighting with each other or I would get angry at them for what they had said to me.
I am currently not talking to, nor do I have any intention of talking to, one of my closest friends after she accused me of being angry at her when I didn't reply to one of her messages. This wasn't the first time and I had had enough of it.
I find I have isolated myself from my friends even more now. At lunch times, I prefer to go out to the front of the school, sit in my car and have a smoke alone. If they try to join me, I will normally go back inside and talk to my younger friend in yr7 who I have helped through his own problems to see how he is going.
My teachers have noticed that I am not the same person now that I was last year. One teacher said that I looked as if I had given up all hope. I had told another teacher of my runaway trip who could not believe that I had done that and that it wasn't like me.
My grades have fallen behind as when I am at home I can't motivate myself to do any homework or study. I don't study at school because I feel that I'm in class most the day and like to just sit around doing nothing.
While I feel that I am depressed, and I'm sure what I have said indicates I may be, I don't know what to do about it. My mother had mentioned it while she was talking to me after the school had phoned her regarding me not completing coursework. They way she spoke about it, as if she were putting it down, has turned me off going to her for help about it, and my father always backs up what she says.
The counsellor, who I still see often, as well as the deputy think that I may be depressed, which has led to me dramatic change in behaviour over the past year. I think they may be right but at this point I don't think there is much I can do about it.
All I want to do is escape this place, join the police force and get as far away as possible. I don't care that I won't see my family or friends anymore because I think that they aren't helping how I am feeling.
Thanks for sharing what's going on in your life. It sounds like you are angry at your parents for something and this anger is turning into bitterness and discouragement which leads to depression. Do you have any idea what that might be? This may be the key. You may need to discover what that is so you can learn how to deal with it, talk to your parents about it and ultimately forgive them. Otherwise, this will continue to destroy your spirit. This is my sense and I could be completely off so I encourage you to meet with a counselor to help you figure out what is causing you to defy your parents' authority.
The other thing that could be causing your depression is simply a physical ailment such as a food allergy.
Here is a list of things that can contribute to depression...
Candida or yeast infection
Thyroid problems and other endocrine disorders. Recent studies suggest that thyroid disorders are the most common physical illnesses that contribute to depression. Other reported cases suggest that treatment of subclinical hypothyroidism may be all that's necessary to cure life-long depression.
Environmental allergies and food allergies
Amino acid deficiencies
Vitamin or mineral deficiencies
Toxic exposure to heavy metal or chemicals
Cardiopulmonary obstructive disease
Strokes and seizures
Insulin resistance or difficulty metabolizing carbohydrates
Any chronic illness
Non-Steroidal Anti-inflammatory Medications
Indomethacin- Anxiety, agitation, hostility, depersonalization
Sulindac- Anger, combativeness, homicidal feelings, obsessive talking
Antihistamines and decongestants
Antipsychotics- Oversedation, total muteness, malignant syndrome
Sed/Hypnotics- Oversedation, disinhibition
Be sure to investigate these things with the help of your doctor. Don't allow him/her to put a bandaid on with anti-depressants. That's not the answer and can often make your depression worse.
There is hope! You are worth it!
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