Not who am I but WHAT am I?
I don't think I can be a NORMAL person, but I look in a mirror & what looks back looks normal. In it's mind it feels confused & cold. Yes cold hard thoughts are buffetting around. I find it hard to remember nice or happy times in my life. The bad stuff is hard to ignore. I love my daughter & I try to remember her birth but that is marred by the fact I wanted a boy. That drives me mad as I love her more than anything or anyone.
When I divorced for the 2nd time I went through the mid life crisis thing. For the first time in my life I was beautiful, I had a gorgeous figure & I got attention. Never had that before. confidence doesn't figure in my life anymore, but then I was good. What did I do in this time? lost the plot. I divorced a man I should love now. I ignored my beautiful daughter, which has tainted my relationship with her. I can never forgive myself for that.I was a slag a bitch, self centred. I hate me for that.
I married again just recently. He's a really good man & I should think myself lucky. He gets on with my daughter.
I am in a job, again I'm lucky. But I hate it. I am in the education sector, not one of them, teacher I mean. I'm one of the crud. I have suffered much bullying from mainly teachers,but also other staff, without support from management. Management haven't got a clue about support & if they do they like to sweep us under the carpet.
I am pretty much a nothing a non entity that takes up space for no apparent reason.
I'd like to do things, learn stuff, be nice. But i'm too lazy, horrid, fat to get of my butt & do anything about it. I don't know how to get out of this wasteful life & do something. Everyone round here literally hates me & thats not my paranioa talking.
There's so much more but I can see I'm wasting your time & feel bad for bothering you.
Thanks Rachel for sharing. You are not wasting my time. :)
Our insecurity affects our relationships whether at work or with family or our friendships. Your past string of broken relationships can stop. Now, today you can begin investing in your marriage to make it last, and in your daughter to build her up. You can begin investing in others at work to change the atmosphere too, no matter how difficult it has become. I've been there and I've seen miracles happen with work environments, marriages, families, friendships, etc.
I encourage you, if you haven't already, to enlist the help of a counselor or life coach to walk with you in investing in others and building bridges in seeking to understand others around you - all the while learning how to respect yourself and forgive yourself for past mistakes.
There is hope! You are worth it!
Merri Ellen :)