Not who am I but WHAT am I?

by Rachel

I don't think I can be a NORMAL person, but I look in a mirror & what looks back looks normal. In it's mind it feels confused & cold. Yes cold hard thoughts are buffetting around. I find it hard to remember nice or happy times in my life. The bad stuff is hard to ignore. I love my daughter & I try to remember her birth but that is marred by the fact I wanted a boy. That drives me mad as I love her more than anything or anyone.

When I divorced for the 2nd time I went through the mid life crisis thing. For the first time in my life I was beautiful, I had a gorgeous figure & I got attention. Never had that before. confidence doesn't figure in my life anymore, but then I was good. What did I do in this time? lost the plot. I divorced a man I should love now. I ignored my beautiful daughter, which has tainted my relationship with her. I can never forgive myself for that.I was a slag a bitch, self centred. I hate me for that.

I married again just recently. He's a really good man & I should think myself lucky. He gets on with my daughter.

I am in a job, again I'm lucky. But I hate it. I am in the education sector, not one of them, teacher I mean. I'm one of the crud. I have suffered much bullying from mainly teachers,but also other staff, without support from management. Management haven't got a clue about support & if they do they like to sweep us under the carpet.

I am pretty much a nothing a non entity that takes up space for no apparent reason.

I'd like to do things, learn stuff, be nice. But i'm too lazy, horrid, fat to get of my butt & do anything about it. I don't know how to get out of this wasteful life & do something. Everyone round here literally hates me & thats not my paranioa talking.

There's so much more but I can see I'm wasting your time & feel bad for bothering you.



Thanks Rachel for sharing. You are not wasting my time. :)

Our insecurity affects our relationships whether at work or with family or our friendships. Your past string of broken relationships can stop. Now, today you can begin investing in your marriage to make it last, and in your daughter to build her up. You can begin investing in others at work to change the atmosphere too, no matter how difficult it has become. I've been there and I've seen miracles happen with work environments, marriages, families, friendships, etc.

I encourage you, if you haven't already, to enlist the help of a counselor or life coach to walk with you in investing in others and building bridges in seeking to understand others around you - all the while learning how to respect yourself and forgive yourself for past mistakes.

There is hope! You are worth it!

Merri Ellen :)

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Mar 26, 2013
My 2 cents
by: Pam Borum

Hi Rachel,
I agree with others who commented. I would love to know how you are doing or if you took the others advice. If you can't get yourself to a doctor, then at least sign up for the e-mail course. I have been wracked with self loathing and I see myself in your words too.

We are our own worst critics. You will just keep depleting yourself of what you need. What you need is self love. Hard to understand when you are in the loathing stage.

I found out I was co-dependent while in one of my often crying spells in the depth of despair. I may not know the definition of that term, but I would gauge my worth by what others thought of me.

I am not cured, maybe never will be, but I need to feel normal too. I need to not see the look in my children's eyes that tell me I am going crazy.

I have also started a blog. I can't journal as the suggestion was made to you. You may be ok with it, but to put all that self loathing written by me on paper was just enforcing it. I can type and let go of the words. If you would like to visit my blog, Here is the link.

Work those steps, it may surprise you or maybe not, but a little bit of hope is what we sometimes need to jump start us on the road to recovery. I understand it is a long road, but minute by minute, I can feel myself healing a wee tiny bit. Better than nothing.

Please keep us posted as to your recovery efforts whether you have had success, or not. It seems depressed people have a way of reaching out. Your post is valid. You are important and deserve to live the life you were blessed with. Supplements helped me. Changing my diet. I also rid my body of the Aspertane I have been poisoning myself with for years and years.

On Radio Lab, they interviewed a guy who survived a jump off the Golden Gate Bridge (i think it was that bridge). It takes like 4 seconds to make it to the water, he saw his family in his mind and knew immediately, he had made a mistake. Others have been interviewed that made the jump and survived and they all said the same thing. They knew it was a mistake. I feel sad for all the people who didn't survive. I believe they all knew it was a mistake but for them it was too late. It is not too late for you or me. We need to help one another to not drop into the abyss.

You are a special woman. Someone who sees some of the your own behaviors and suffers for it, can come out of the self loathing and celebrate the fact you are human

I hope the best for you, and hope you let me know how you are doing. Even if things haven't changed for you, your words may help me one day if I crash into the abyss again. No one is judging you as harshly has you have judged yourself.

Nov 11, 2011
depression is real
by: peaceintruth

rachel, the feelings in your post could have been written by me and I am a 46 year old male! it's not about the specific details, it's about the feeling of self-hatred and loathing that are produced by depression. it is an illness and it is very very real. as an illness, it needs to be treated by doctors and a team of professionals that you can trust. step 1 - get to a doctor that can prescribe and monitor medication. step 2 - find a counselor that can provide some talk therapy. step 3 - write down everything you feel in a journal a couple times a day. step 4 - meditate and find the force that is larger than yourself. step 5 - release your guilt. step 6 - just be and give yourself a break.
I am almost 7 years from a failed suicide attempt and life is amazing, beautiful, peaceful, loving - all things that I could never have imagined. tweet me @peaceintruth. i hope you find peace

Nov 11, 2011
Not Who but What
by: Anonymous

Hello "What I am",

It is clear you are suffering a major depressive episode and you need to get immediate help. It is a dangerous, life-threatening condition and needs medical attention. Please make an appointment with a psychiatrist tomorrow and follow through with the medication he/she gives you, as well as your appointments with a certified psychotherapist at least once a week. You CAN feel better, it just takes some time and commitment. Guilt is a useless emotion that keeps us paralysed in the past, unable to move forward. The burdens you are carrying are weighing you down. Help yourself be free of them, by understanding where they come from and how to manage them. Please get help immediately, as every day that passes just feeds the disease, making you feel more hopeless. Good luck, I know you can get better, you know how I know? Cause I DID! :) Keep the faith!

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