When I was 8 yrs old, I was told the truth about my father. He had committed suicide when I was 4. He had bouts of depression and not sure if he was manic. He was a twin. His twin brother died in a car accident when they were 21. I really do not have clear knowledge of my father's condition. Except that he took lithium and was fine while on his meds. I was fairly happy up until I learned of my father's demise. I guess I felt the ultimate rejection from a parent that could not see me worth hanging around for. I began having fits of anger, mostly taking out rage on myself. As a teenager, I had some bouts with depression. When I was 18, I got pregnant and immediately had an abortion. No one knew about it except my boyfriend at the time. I spiraled into the darkest place afterward, to the point of planning my suicide and pissing off everyone I cared about so, in my mind, they wouldn't feel bad about my death. I had fought my whole life up until that point, not to be like my father. But I couldn't take the guilt or the pain any longer. My mom was the only one who could see something was severely wrong. She insisted I go to church with her and I felt I would humor her and after I would end my life. There was divine intervention. This was one of those church's where they call you up to surrender your life to Christ. I did. I fell to the floor sobbing and something amazing happened. "The peace that passes all understanding." I'd heard that growing up in catholic school. Needless to say, I am still alive.
I lived a good Christian life for ten years "in church" until I stepped away to attend school full time and work full time. It was impossible for me to attend services. I came to realize how unbalanced my involvement with church was. It was a crutch. I still had not been able to have any romantic relationships. In that realm I was still depressed.
I finished school and started looking for a job. I went months without finding a job in my field. I jumped into a master's program and did well my first semester. But into my second semester, I went into a debilitating depression and dropped out. I finally sought help. Psychotherapy and Lexapro. It really helped. I was able to find a "dead end job" but at least I was earning and had a reason to get up in the morning. I started getting involved in my passion, art and curating art shows. All was well.
I decided to get my teaching certification and started as a teacher assistant last year. I made very little money. But I had about 8 interviews for teaching positions to start this fall. I didn't get any of them.
Other disappointments, romantically, I've noticed I attract emotionally unavailable types. I have opened my heart wide open with 3 men over the last 4 years. Only to be devastated and disappointed.
So here I am. No job, no career, no man, no children. Feeling very worthless. I feel like I am fighting...kicking, punching and swinging at the air. Full of anxiety. I can't seem to get anything done. I feel exhausted all the time. I desperately need income. But have no motivation to find a job. I actually feel scared of being rejected by a potential employer. I just don't feel like I can take it. I could potentially be homeless next month. I feel like a total failure at life. So completely lost.
Lili, thank you for sharing. There is a road that we travel when the enemy tells us lies and reminds us of our past which drowns out our Shepherd's voice. ("The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."- John 10:10) I know that battle very well and I see you are in it too. I suspect that your father perhaps mourned the loss of his brother and might even blamed himself for the accident. As a result, he felt worthless and not even worthy of raising his own daughter. The enemy fed him lies and now the enemy is trying to feed you lies and remind you of your own past. Thankfully, we are not what our past tells us, but who our loving Creator tells us we are!
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