The Louse

by anita
(B.C. Canada)

I usually wake up wishing I hadn't. I wait until I feel I MUST get out of bed or I get up because I know something needs to be done soon.

I don't feel like eating even though I'm hungry but if I grab something juicy like fruit then it helps.

I dread the thought of everyone going from the house except for me and then I'm left alone, like I have no one who will care. My husband has gone away for work for maybe a month and this has made things worse. I don't want to see anyone but then I do but I don't want to feel like I'm a pest and I'm too down and feeling sick inside to reach out. I have a feeling inside like someone I loved very much has just died.

I get physical sensations like tingling in my arms and chest, plus some slight feeling of being sick to my stomach. I have sudden urges to want to just go to bed and cry it out, thinking that may cause some relief but I can't.

I remember back to when the depression had been so bad before all I wanted to to was either lay down or sleep to stop the fear and pain. I don't think suicide but sometimes when I talk to others family I'll say things like 'if I wasn't here' etc.

I fear it's my own fault. I see fault in everything I do, judging myself very harshly when I know it's not true but it echo's in my mind.
I have been panic attack free for a long time now, since I took a course on panic disorder and anxiety. With my past clinical depression I was having panic attacks regularly. I fear they will come back.

I had a hard time moving around especially walking. I'd walk really slowly when things were really bad before like I had to force one foot in front of the other.



Thanks for sharing. Your story sounds very similar to another young woman I came across. I've got an inspiring video of a girl named Gloria who went through some of the same stuff. You can see her video on my video page and hopefully it will bring you some hope!

Just look for the 'videos' tab on the left hand side of the home page or click on this link:

for the depression videos page

There is hope!

-Merri Ellen

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