These days

by David
(New York)

I'm now 23 years old and have struggled with depression since I was 17. My focus for the last five years was finishing college, something I am very pleased to say I am about to accomplish. However, it has been a significant struggle every step of the way. These days my life seems to be ruled by my depression. It is a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and even when I do manage to my days are spent in a daze. I basically spend my days counting the minutes until I can climb back into bed and start to fall asleep, which at this point is the only part of my life that I truly enjoy. Knowing that my constant awareness of how sad I feel will be put on hold for 10 or 12 hours while I am unconscious is the only part of my day that I do not find unbearable.

I have never quite been able to articulate just how my depression feels, but the best I can explain it is that I always feel terribly homesick, even though I am home. I waver between feeling sad but hopeful and hopelessly sad. I keep thinking that I can find a way to beat this, but so far I haven't been able to.

I've seen a therapist and psychiatrist since coming to terms with my problem, but haven't benefited from doing either. I am now trying to make some significant changes in the way I live my life. I really believe that getting out of this stage of my life is within my grasp and I am praying that I can find the strength and wisdom to do so.

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