Where is my love?

by Suzanne

A typical day in my depression: I wake up thinking, "Great - another day" *sarcasm...* Then I proceed to stumble through the day attempting to find joy in anything. I work hard to ignore the fact I don't enjoy my beautiful house, beautiful kids and awesome husband the way I used to. I catch myself constantly trying to wonder, "How can I fix this problem?" and that keeps me inside my struggle instead of outside, IN life, where I know joy must reside - if only I could stop wondering, worrying, being ungrateful, feeling anxious, etc etc etc. I know after a year of this nightmare that trying to figure out how I can fix the problem is not the answer. I know after a year that in spite of the fact I want to give up trying and just sink into the black hole that the answer is not IN the black hole. The answer to getting out of this is NOT in letting myself go, it's not in dwelling on the fact that I can't seem to get past a high of only a very neutral state of mind to a state of JOY. It is extremely difficult to accept that right now, the best I seem to be able to do is to keep myself from slipping into the black hole of extreme depressed feelings which can take a week or more to recover from. And when I do recover from the black hole after hard work pulling myself out of it, it is only to a feeling that is so far below where I want to be, that that in itself is depressing. But I CAN'T ALLOW MYSELF the luxury of thinking about that, because then hello black hole! I don't have a lot of answers to how to end this nightmare, but what I DO know is how NOT to end it - and that is to allow myself to fall down and down and down into the pit which is so hard to get out of. I have recently worked at paying attention to exactly what I do that makes me feel really shitty, and also to what makes me feel just a bit better - I feel just a bit better when I plan my day instead of floating through it without accomplishing anything. I feel better when I can answer my husband when he asks me at 3 pm what is for dinner, instead of getting defensive and snapping "I don't know, I haven't had a chance to think about that yet". I feel a bit better when I actually take time in the morning to look good which in turn gets those 2nd glances from guys as opposed to blending in with all the other frazzled moms. I feel a bit better when I can say to myself, "At least I accomplished what I set out to do today. At least I worked out to improve my physical health. At least I have been drinking a lot of water which is improving my skin." Even if I don't feel MUCH better emotionally, at least I can feel tiny bits better from time to time and I hope over time that these tiny bits will band together to form a glorious WHOLE - one of confidence, calmness, PEACE, love and joy. I just want to be calm and feel my love for my family and my appreciation for my life again. Not a whole lot to ask...is it?

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May 06, 2009
Reply to "Where is my love?"
by: Anonymous

Wow!!! I too have a great home although the location is NOT my favorite (I live beside my parents, not my choice)I have an okay husband (not 100% supportive) and two beautiful/ healthy children. I too feel unhappy, unfulfilled,can't seem to find joy, I too am in the pit.
What does work on my "good days" is the bible, listening to Joyce Meyer, working out, drinking water, getting outdoors, tending to my garden, talking with friends, doing at least two things per week with friends. Getting out of town for a different outlook, shopping for clothes.
I have social anxiety, it's a challenge for me to go grocery store, it seems I bump into everyone I don't want to see there. I am not employed but trying to get back into the work force part time. I sometimes think the way my husband treats me (nothing I do is ever good enough for him) is causing my anxiety. Not that I am blaming him but the way people treat you has an impact on how you feel about yourself, in my opinion. Where I am at now is I am thinking of leaving him, the hardest part is my children they are going to have a tough time with this and I am afraid it will scar them and wreck them. But I think if they do not have to hear mom and dad argue everyday that will be one less stress in their young lives. Then another thing that keeps me staying with my husband is the bible. God hates divorce, so I wonder if I leave will it be very hard to make it on my own as a single parent? I don't know if I can do it? My husband is depleting my self-esteem.

May 05, 2009
Good insights
by: Cindy

HI Suzanne,
Congratulations for figuring out what makes you feel even a little bit better. I agree that getting things accomplished and fixing myself up really help. I've devised a little daily checklist for myself to remind myself to do those little things that will eventually add up to regaining my joy. On my list are things such as drinking 8 glasses of water, taking my vitamins and supplements, getting exercise, meditating, reaching out to friends, taking a walk after lunch, getting 8 hours of sleep, and practicing mindfulness. (So often I get up in my head and start worrying about things and lose any pleasure I could be having in the moment.)
I celebrate my pleasurable moments no matter how short-lived they are. I know that one of these days I will experience the joy of life again and so will you!!

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