Why Me

by Audrey


I am 53, and I live in the Caribbean. I have been married twice, once when I was 18 to get away from my "mother" actually I am an adopted child and my life will be very difficult to explain. I am what is called a mulatto, which means I am half white and half black. (beautiful combination...) but my adoptive parents were white, well white and hispanic. I was never told I was adopted and found out by having my real mother suddenly appear at 16 y.o. and declare thats who she was, but I was greatly loved by my father but hideously verbally abused by my "mother" don't know my biological just know who he is, thats why I left at 18 to get married and far away from her. That was a giant screw-up.

F/F Married again at 25, a wonderful, supportive, christian husband. Life is wonderful, blessed with 3 absolutely beautiful children, youngest is now 18 oldest 22. After 10 years, he cheats on me, I almost commit suicide..but I recover, life goes on.... after 17 years, I now find out he was having an emotional adultery affair, addicted to porn, and going to church regularly. I am a solid christian woman, trying to do the right thing but find out that he has been emotionally cheating on me throughout our relationship. I freak, want to leave but constrained by scripture and my babies.

I lose my job, my anger explodes, I write and that helped a little, I was put on Xanax because I could not sleep. Never seen a psychiatrist treated by a G.P. I do not love my husband, he does everything, penitent, and completely faithful now but I am totally incapable of loving him, I do everything as a wife, but I am not emotionally connected to him. Now on Wellbutrin but no effect yet,

I am sure I need therapy but where I live, we don't really do that.... been to pastors and such but I live with my fears, my anxieties, and those pesky memories.

Thanks for reading and if you do respond, that you too.


Thank you Audrey for reaching out and sharing. My heart breaks for you. I would like to direct you to where you may find encouragement through online mentoring and find hope in marriage stories...


"The Lord is close to those whose hearts have been broken. He saves those whose spirits have been crushed." - Psalm 34:18

There is hope! You are worth it!

Merri Ellen :)

Click here to post comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to What does your depression look like?.