Will I ever have a bigger dream than dying?

by Tori

My name is Tori. I am 17. I never remember being happy in the photos I see a smile but I know it was never real. I smiled because I was supposed to be happy or at least content like the rest of my friends and family. I always had a strong family when I was 13 my parents divorced being an only child it felt like the end of the world. Getting a divorce was bad enough but my dad just went "crazy" I saw a side of him that made me fear for my life and I can never forget that. I try to forgive him but I just can't see him the way that I used too. (He was cruel) Looking back the divorce just intensified the depression and now that my life is "normal" I still feel depressed. I went to consoling for 2 years, and "graduated" I could manage my feelings and problems on my own. Along with finishing consoling I went on an antidepressant for a few years. Then changed to a new one 6 months later another. I've been on about 6 different antidepressants and none make me feel good they just temporally control it and then I end up a rock bottom again. Every time I start a new one I think this one might just be it but it never is. I try so hard to be optimistic but at the end of the day I'm sad usually without a reason. I'm tired of my biggest dream being dying. I feel like I am never going to want anything more than to die and make the pain stop. I wish I could just suffer the physical pain equivalent of this and be done. I feel that I cant endure the physical pain and emotional heart ache any longer. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Everyday I think of killing myself, even dying a brutal death would be better than suffering every god damn day of my life. I want to not dream of dying, I want to fear it like a normal person. When will the day come? When will I stop wanting to die regardless of circumstances? Bleeding to death drop by drop would be better than this. I have hope but I am running out.

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