your story...Can I still have a baby...

by JR

I am going through something I experience for the first time in my life. I had been a happy and positive personality all my life, but not lately...Last week I felt like I was hit by the truck...and it was so sudden...In just few days I felt I didn't want to hopeless. I went through fertility treatment(lots of hormone shots) and found out that July 14th wasn't my lucky day to say " I am pregnant"...I felt I handled the loss and was carrying away with my life until July 29th starting to feel going down!I lost my appetite, diarrhea, nausea,insomnia with sweating and pounding heart. My life turned black...and it is still on and off. One day I feel I am getting better and next day I am back to square one. I am against medication and started taking supplements. I feel I am handling my infertility news pretty good, but my body is telling different. People around me started to ask what is wrong with me and where is the old me??? One hour I see the hope, next hour I feel no purpose to live suffering. My fear to live the rest of my life feeling like that...

My questions for you: How long have you taken medication? How did your depression start? I read your story and have seen beautiful picture with a baby. Did you have a baby after battling depression? I just want to hear more about your story, since it is so inspiring to see you free of this monster!


Thanks for sharing :) and thank you for your questions... I battled depression during and after my pregnancy. I took medication during my pregnancy at the advice of my doctor (which no doubt caused a difficult first 3 months for my baby who was colicky I'm sure because of weaning off the drugs himself) and I was able to wean off after taking my research and pushing it on my doctor firmly and gently. If I hadn't been so forward, I'm sure he'd still have me on it. I now have a different doctor.

I'm so sorry for the pain you have had to go through in not being able to have a child. My pain came on the other side of this spectrum. I suffered 2 traumatic/crisis experiences at the same time and one was finding out I was pregnant. Because I was pursuing an amateur career in Women's Fastpitch plus coaching Women's College Volleyball, getting pregnant was the last night I wanted. So, I lost both of those dreams when I became pregnant. Abortion to me was out of the question. So, my dreams were dashed and I had to learn to enjoy motherhood and embrace it as my new calling. That was hard but my husband and family and friends were so gracious, patient and supportive.

The kicker is I now love being a mom of 2 boys and... I work with children and love it!! I would have never experienced this if I had 'successfully' pursued my original dream.

I'm learning from others who have gone through deep pain that they have been able to turn their pain into blessing. They look for the beauty and blessing amidst their pain and rise above. It was the stories of others that pushed me forward beyond despair...

Not everyone can handle this part of my story, but here it is. I only refer to one of the crisis situations. Thanks for asking...

There is hope! You are worth it!

Merri Ellen :)

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