Afraid that I will be afraid for life...
I have had a tendency to become sad in my comfort zone because this is how i really feel, since i was a teenager, i was popular, went out, loved new things but alone i would let the fake smile drop and be myself... about six years ago i started to get a skin condition, increased anxiety and started to feel very self conscious about my confidence and abilities as an adult... basically i felt like a loser even though i know i am insightful and good at my job, its the inter personal side that gets me, i wish i could connect with people better, but i dont like people generally and fake my way through conversations.
my depression has caused my weight to gain, i had a great figure, not that i ever thought that at the time, but i realise now when i look at myself that i dont care about myself as much, sometimes i even wonder how i leave the house looking so casually groomed. I keep busy with work and home chores which is now a habit, there was a time where i didnt have any energy whatsever and i still have those days, but getting up and doing these things is only a minor acheivement as they dont fulfill me and i spend a lot time feeling down about not having done things more efficiently so i could move onto the next thing... i sometimes get manic and just clean for 3 days, exhausting myself because i feel i have nothing else except my sense of perfection to prove my worth as a human being... i wish it was less about cleaning and more about my soul, who cares about a clean house if the person living in it is empty. I wish i was just a happy person deep down.
the feeling i have with me all the time is in the pit of my stomach... what if i fail, what if people think i am an idiot, i am tired, i hate this, i hate that, i wish things were easier, i just want to be happy, i wish my anxiety and depression didnt exist, i wish my anxiety around people didnt make me feel like such an idiot, i wish i could be stronger, i wish i could stand up for myself without losing it emotionally, i wish people didnt think i was a weirdo because of my moods or behaviour... I WISH I WAS NORMAL!!!
Hi Tania, thanks for sharing. I recently got a post from another woman who shared about her anxiety too. She started out by asking about a supplement but I discovered something deeper for her. This was my response to her...
There is hope!
Merri Ellen :)