Lost in a Crowd

by S
(Hutchinson, KS)

Everything stops the moment i wake up, dreams are my only escape from the pain...some days are better than the rest but i'm usually faking. My boy friend of 3 years is one of the people that make me feel worthless. The only other person is my father. Ever since i was a kid i was never enough. neither of them understand what i feel or why i do the things i do. i want to be better to wake up and not hate myself, to look in the mirror and see the person i see in my head.
the gift i've been given is the ability to write how i feel. depict it in different art works, but mostly poetry and because of that part of me doesn't want it to go away. sometimes i feel like i see things more clearly in the sad time than the happy. But i know thats just a lie my mind leads me on to continue its destructive path. I think anger is my best friend sometimes...i can me so angry sometimes that it scares me...the weird thing is its me that angers me the most then my father then my boyfriend...and the same for what makes me sad. without my mom i'd be nothing i'd have killed myself a long time ago. and now its my one friend that keeps me holding on, she is everything, because she understands what i'm going through...right now i want nothing but to forgive myself for not being who my father wanted and just to start being who i am...i don't want to pretend anymore, i just want to live without fear, without contempt, without fear. i don't want happiness i just don't want to hate myself.


Thanks for sharing. Yes, trying to live up to other's standards is futile and sadly as young people we are often trained that way sometimes unknowingly by our parents. We each have been made us for a purpose which is so much more fulfilling than what others want us to be. Read: "Living Life on Purpose to Beat Depression"

There is hope!

Merri Ellen :)

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Jul 20, 2010
Keep Fighting
by: Nilesh

It is ok that sometimes in depression we don't want happiness.The reason may that through getting happiness we will just get OVER EXCITED. So we should just try to be aware and try to look at our small activities like how we behave,how we look towards other,how we react and how we talk.But only by wanting these things we cannot beat the depression but we need to put it in our day to day life.And after accomplishing these things we will fill the sense of change,containment,calmness and peace in our mind,body and heart.At initial level it may be painful but reward on the other side is TREMENDOUS.And we always remember that FIGHTER always wins BUT with right understanding and with right tools.So fight till you WIN.ALL THE BEST.

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